ugh, brains ... or rather: ugh, my brain ...

I hate it when I manage to maneuver myself into one of those emotional downs. I see them coming and sometimes just can't stop myself digging myself in deeper.

Case in point today - everything feels as if it does not make any sense and I should just give up. I was unproductive and went home early (thanks to overtime I've done last week I could) and instead of trying to turn things around, here I am online, googling stuff up and realizing that I should have submitted that giant proposal last year (no matter that I could not have had for reasons of both mental health and research status) instead of waiting for this, because of course I have a year less than I thought (and thus a try less) because they count years in that strange way of theirs and no matter how long I stare at the document, the 2011 is not going to turn into 2010. Ugh, ugh.

Anyway, objectively this all is not a problem and I have a great job lined up (while several amazing people I know do not), it's just:

• I did not get enough sleep last night. By own fault, I was reading on my phone instead of reading my book and then, you know, turning the light off at some point. Instead there I was, at 2 AM, wide awake.
• I had a full weekend: which was amazing with visiting an LJ friend in Utrecht and a game night before that, but I also did not have time to relax and my kitchen still is a mess.
• I'm somewhere around ovulation which usually makes me feel bloated. And right now I feel the 1-1.5 kg fluctuation I have during the cycle dearly both in how my body feels and in how it looks.
• I've changed shampoos and my hair needs time to get used to it, so today, while it still looked OK, it just felt awful and did not bring out that (expensive but very good) haircut I got last week at all.
• I spent too much time on social media. As usual: everybody else is successful and I am not. (I mean, no matter that they are freaking in a different subject and I could not have even applied for that stuff they got? Or that I would not even want their jobs?)
• ♥ got a rejection for one of his application. (Yes, for this particular ones it was to be expected but ugh ... Why can't it just fall together perfectly?)
• My friends are going to that amazing conference but I can't because I am not part of the team (wrong country, pax, wrong county, you cannot be part of this collab, no mattr how good you are ...).
• I went to lunch with colleagues whom I do not especially like. And who. Did. Not. Vote. AAARGH. (Local elections in the Netherlands, EU citizens can vote on the local level in the municipality of their residence.)
• I misjudged some cooking times (and the size of my pan) and now the curry I made to eat for lunch during the week is less than perfect and I keep thinking back to the perfect one I made the week before the last week but I still have two portions left.
• I realized I sent the people in T. who are preparing my contract for the job there the wrong tax number. I can still rectify it, but ARGH. Also reminds me of the apartment search (which cannot commence until I know whether I am moving alone or with ♥).
• I missed pilates today, see the lack of sleep, but now it makes me feel even more like a failure, see also the feeling bloated, especially given how this resulted in the less than fun lunch and did not result in much more progress done on the current project that would have happened if I went.
• I offered a friend to stay in my place while we are in Madeira and am now having waves of "what if she now has the worst ever impression of me because there is dust in the corners and it's generally just a shitty rental place?".
• There are another two proposals coming up and then the Spanish PhD candidate is coming and in between we are hiring the student for the next year and I need to do things for colleagues I promised ages ago ... And when I am supposed to work on my own science projects? You know, the ones that are the only thing that matters for evaluations?
• Oh, and it looks like I forgot to submit the abstract for that one conference I changed the mind about going to. Fuck. (Still have time to submit a late poster and I did not expect to get a talk anyway ...)
• And my left upper tooth hurts. It's likely some annoying bit of gingivitis that is going to go away in a few days (and I've just been to the dentist last months and had X-rays done less than a year ago and everything was fine) but anything teeth-related sends me into panic-mode.
• And don't forget that allergic reaction I got at the moment on my stomach. It itches.

I know most of the above things are untrue or no matter for worries or or or or. But right now, it all just feels too much.

It all just needs to get out.

And now that it is, I guess I will put my big girl pants on and go and make myself feel better. I did already make a herbal tea (cacao husk tea - and of course I freaked out because this was the last cup but made myself search and actually found another package, neatly stashed away from my last big tea buying spread; enough for until T.) instead of a coffee (re:sleep or the lack thereof) and washed my hair. It's not as if there is someone else who can pull me out if it but me myself.

And perhaps I leave you with this essay here: This Is What ‘Self-Care’ REALLY Means, Because It’s Not All Salt Baths And Chocolate Cake - which is not always right (and I am generally very tongue in cheek about motivational speakers and their writing) but an interesting point to start thinking and also very quotable.