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pax_athena
-- my grandmother, my mother, me, my father --
My grandmother has been stripped of her name three times and of two years of her life: first time when her first given name was erased and she made two years younger to be able to keep attending school during World War II. Second time when her first name was turned into a Russian one. Third time when, once she reclaimed her second first name after the end of SU, the "Ș" that her name started with (pronounced as a "sh") was written as a "S" (pronounces as the "z" in "zoo") once we moved to Germany (there is no "Ș" in German). She died being two years younger on paper than she really was.
***
In a way, I am more worried now: my mother has been taking care of my grandma at what pretty much accounted to full time (even if taking care meant sitting there for a few hours in the late evening so she would not be alone - but imagine this every day, year after year and think about how much emotional labor that is) for the last eight years. There is a hole in her life she will need to fill now - and she is, in a way, in the very state my grandma was when we came to Germany: retired, without much social contact, not being able to afford almost anything social. Her health is failing and so is my father's.
I more than vividly remember what it means if my mother slides deep into depression. And she is older now, more fragile. And I am not there to deal with it (and can't be there to deal with it; the distance to the people who need you is a steep price to pay - don't ever underestimate it).
I am so, so, so worried.
***
I do not think I will be able to eat döner kebab for a while. I ordered börek when we stopped at the Turkish fast food store the day before yesterday - last time that I've been to Germany, my mother and I bought two döners, because my grandmother wanted one (no, she was not supposed to eat spicy and could not eat half of it at once - but she liked it). So I ate a garlicky döner and spent a lot of time brushing my teeth afterwards because I actually was in A. there for a dentist appointment.
***
I still cry at random moments (it's almost funny - I would not have thought that this would be my reaction).
Do you know how every apartment or house has it's own very special smell? We came home after half-emtying my grandmothers apartment and I breathed in ♥'s place in R. - and then it hit me that I will never smell my grandma's place again. Ever. Ever.
I may be crying as I am writing this down.
***
I was trying to remember a children's book I read as a kid a few weeks ago - and here it was, lying on the dresser. Why was it there? Why did she pick this particular book up, even if it was just to move it to someplace else and then to forget about it halfway?
***
I got some books and the shawl (a blue pavlovo posad style one) she was wearing all the time. There are a lot of things I would love to rescue: the little figurines she cherished, the plush toys. But it does not make much sense, does it? So: some books and the shawl, hoping I will be able to wear it without crying all the time.
My cousin asked for a box of sweets from my grandma's apartment, an open one. I hope my aunt will be able to get it through the Canadian customs.
***
My parents had to downsize a few years ago - from the 3 rooms (not: three bedrooms) 78 square meters (that I and my brother used to share with them, back in times) to 50, perhaps even less, 2 rooms (again - not three *bedrooms*) and low ceilings (I can reach them and I am not a big person - but you take what you can if you need to stay where there is working public transport on the weekends and close to the grandma you are taking care of, given the rising prices). And now the emotionally valuable contests of my grandmothers apartment (the old dinnerware, a ton of her crochetry, books that lived at her place because there was no place at my parents', photos will all their emotional value) are in boxes in the middle of the living room. And I can't imagine where they'll put them.
(Still not sure whether I will be able to reply here. Let's see. And forgive me if I don't.)
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no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 06:06 pm (UTC)You know ... my grandma always used the same detergent - different one than I use - so all her clothes smelled like it. When she died my Mum took her supply and it threw me every.single.time when my clothes smelled like my grandma. :-(
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Date: 2016-12-30 06:53 pm (UTC)Oh man, this sounds hard :(
I think I would have actually thrown away a lot of stuff that my mother kept - but then I also have the luxury of being able to buy another 10 packages of sugar without it doing damage to my budget ... But there are also things that cannot be used: the new pair of orthopedic summer shoes, just finished last month. And my mother just convinced her to throw away a lot of old clothes. The old ones lie there unused. (Her nursing service will take them and see whether someone needs them ...)
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Date: 2016-12-30 06:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 07:14 pm (UTC)What is your grandma's name?
That book on the dresser... I like to believe that there are connections (psychic, spiritual, what have you) that science can't really explain.
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Date: 2016-12-31 08:53 am (UTC)Na, I do not believe in connections. And in a way, my grandmother and I gave not been that close.
But it's one of those small moments that just hurt.
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Date: 2016-12-30 07:24 pm (UTC)Hugs to you my dear.
A smell is something so very particular and special.
The anecdote about the book is beautiful. Not everything can or should be understood I think.
💚💚💚
no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 08:55 am (UTC)It's easy to understand - my parents moved only a small number of books, the favorites among them. My grandma was often shifting them around. But it still makes that moment hurt. (And looking into the book made me realize that it was part four of a series, something I never knew as a kid - I guess I will be buying the first three.)
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Date: 2016-12-30 07:27 pm (UTC)(That doesn't say much, but I don't really have words to say what I mean. The grandparents that I think of when I say "my grandparents", the ones I lived in the same house with until I was 16, are still with us, fortunately, but they are so clearly getting older, and so many of their generation passed away this year and last, it's making the reality that they won't be part of my life forever more and more impossible to ignore, and I know I'm so lucky that we live close enough that I see them often, and I feel guilty that I don't make the time and effort to see them MORE, and watching my parents/my mother interact with them is making me realize, too, that my parents are getting older, too -- and your post made me feel all of those things (and tear up), and also remember my great-grandmother, who went through more than one name, too. I'm rambling, but, just... I understand, and I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope your mother will be OK, and you. <3)
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Date: 2017-01-01 10:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 08:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-01 10:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 08:14 pm (UTC)I see a resemblance, I think, between your grandmother in the picture above and photos of you that I've seen. It's just one photo, of course, but still it seems that there is something in the shape of her face, the angle at which she's bending...something that evokes you somehow.
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Date: 2017-01-01 10:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-01 11:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 10:12 pm (UTC)(прочитала всё-всё, но не могу найти адекватных слов, у тебя такая хрупкая гармония здесь, очень страшно нарушить)
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Date: 2017-01-03 01:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 01:12 am (UTC)I'm really sorry for your loss. I have the same "problem" with my father, he died two years ago. He used to smoke tobacco in a pipe, and even though he stopped smoking years before his death, it's the one smell that always reminds me of him. the house doesn't smell like him anymore, but every once in a while I come across pipe tobacco smell and it's always a mixture of sadness and fondness and always quite precious to me.
maybe you will come across your particular grandmother scent again, be it her detergent or perfume or shampoo or a certain dish she made - I heard it's one of the most powerful memories one can have. I hope for you that you do one day!
sending you love! <3
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Date: 2017-01-03 01:12 pm (UTC)And oh, it must be hard to run into that smell again.
Actually, I would be fine with the smells being gone. It's more the feeling of "this is now over and there is no way to bring it back" that accompanied the realization that was painful - I do not think I want to be reminded of that. I hope this makes sense, it kind of hard to express ...
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Date: 2016-12-31 01:46 am (UTC)Smells -- such a punch to the gut, aren't they? I completely understand how overwhelming that must be. Hugest hugs to you ♥
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Date: 2017-01-03 01:13 pm (UTC)Although, in a way, I should be happy that I am not constantly running into the smells. Or other things. My parents will take long until all the little things that remind them are gone from their apartment - from the chocolate they bought for grandma to newspapers being put aside for her to read later.
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Date: 2016-12-31 02:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 01:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 09:00 am (UTC)My mother actually fought depression for a number of years after her mother died (when she was in here late fifties/early sixties), but I think my parents also had some good years later on when they were both retirees and still mostly healthy (they aren't now). I am sure your support, just by talking and listening to your mother, even if you can't be physically present as often as you would like, will be very important for her in finding a new equilibrium.
Hey, I so hope the upcoming year will give reason for a more positive characterisation in your blog one year from now. So, even if things look dark right now: all the very very best for 2017!! :)
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Date: 2017-01-03 01:28 pm (UTC)The problem being that my parents are in their late sixties already, so it all looks pretty gloomy to me :( At least at the moment.
And the talking and listening is ... interesting. I mean, there is a reason why I moved out early and would not consider moving into the same city again. But this is perhaps too much for a post - and for a public one in any case. We have quiet different personalities and I am running somewhat on my limits anyway at the moment with the whole job situation. But well, we'll see.
Thank you <3 Let's hope that everything will be much better than it looks right now <3
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Date: 2016-12-31 09:12 am (UTC)Liebeliebe zu dir - ich denk an meine Großmutter, wenn ich Lavendel rieche und dann bin ich wieder in ihrem Haus und erkunde als kleines Mädchen dessen Geheimnisse... Es wird wieder kommen, ganz gewiss <3
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Date: 2017-01-03 01:29 pm (UTC)Ich glaube, ich will den Geruch auch nicht wieder haben - es hat einfach in dem Moment richtig reingehauen, eine von den vielen kleinen Dingen, die plötzlich mit weg sind ... Ich glaube, ich will da nicht ständig (oder immer wieder) dran erinnert werden.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 10:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 01:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 01:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 04:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 09:34 pm (UTC)There is a very, very old computer in my parents attic. It will stay there forever. There are 14 books on my bookshelves that I will probably never read. I will not give them away. There is a pair of worn down hand-made socks in my dresser. They have holes. I don't care. Currentely F. wears red hand-made socks that were already on my feet when I was his age. It makes me smile. I just wish they could have met.
What we keep may not always make sense but it is what we need. And that is OK.
Take your time. If you need something don't hesitate to reach out, OK? And if it is silence you need, that is OK, too.
no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 07:37 pm (UTC)(And reaching out will totally happen. I really want to be better about actually meeting people who matter. For the moment I feel my weekends with visitors to distract myself.)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2017-01-01 03:36 pm (UTC)*hugs*
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Date: 2017-01-03 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-01 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 07:39 pm (UTC)And I like the replies right now. This is my own therapy <3
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Date: 2017-01-01 10:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 10:26 am (UTC)Ich freu mich auch über das Foto und dachte gleich, dass deine Oma dir im Profil ähnlich sieht. Oder? Und auch ein bisschen zu erfahren über sie finde ich schön.
Der Tod kann so viel auslösen, was man vorher nicht ahnte. Und egal ob man sich nun besonders nah war oder nicht. Es geht seine Wege. Und vielleicht klingt das komisch, aber ich finde in all diesen traurigen Gefühlen steckt auch immer etwas schönes. Kann ich grad nicht näher beschreiben. Aber dein Eintrag lässt mich sehr viel mitfühlen.
Die Sorge um deine Mama kann ich auch sehr gut nachvollziehen. Ohman. 8 Jahre!
<3
no subject
Date: 2017-01-03 07:49 pm (UTC)Ich bin mir da gar nicht sicher - es sind definitiv Ähnlichkeiten drin, aber ich glaube eher vom Charakter her. Wobei: die gleichen Augenbrauen haben wir definitiv.
Es sind auf jeden Fall Gefühle, die mensch zulassen muss, egal wie die kommen. Ich bin da ein bisschen stolz auf mich, zumindest das gelernt zu haben und bei den anderen den entsprechenden Umgang mit meiner Reaktion einzufordern.
(Und danke. So ein bisschen war der Eintrag schon zum Mitfühlen gedacht. Das hatte richtig was therapeutisches, all diese einzelnen Gedanken zu Papier zu bringen.)
Und ja - mir war gar nicht voll klar, wie lang das war. Aber den Schlafanfall hatte meine Oma 2008, als ich in Amsterdam war ... Zumindest scheint meine Mutter selbst des Problems bewusst. Ob es hilft, das zu wissen, ist eine andere Frage.
no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 06:18 pm (UTC)I do know what you mean about the smells. We kept a few of my mom's clothes because for a while they still smelled like her. And we keep the bedroom door shut in the hopes of keeping her smell in there as well. It doesn't linger as long as I'd have liked.
Thinking good thoughts for you and the rest of your family.
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Date: 2017-01-03 09:07 pm (UTC)(And I am sorry if my post was triggering for you with your mothers death being so recent. I should have thought of it but I also needed to make this post, as a kind of therapy ...)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 07:27 pm (UTC)Je mehr ich dazu schreibe, desto schwächer kommt es mir gerade vor.. Ich kann es grade sehr schlecht beschreiben und im Grunde mich doch nur wiederholen: ich bin bei dir :*
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Date: 2017-01-03 09:13 pm (UTC)Mir war es wichtig, das alles aufzuschreiben - ansonsten essen diese Momente einfach an meiner Seele und wollen irgendwie raus, wollen mitgeteilt werden. (Aber ich wünsche mir trotzdem, Leute würden sich nicht damit identifizieren können - aber ein Leben, ohne Leute gehen zu sehen, gibt es wohl nicht ... *fest umarm*)
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Date: 2017-01-04 05:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-05 09:19 pm (UTC)